


The Truth.

by Lesthetic



Category: One Direction
Genre: Depression, Gay, Hurt, Love, M/M, Self Harm, larry - Freeform, loveislove, stylinson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-06-19 14:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15512094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesthetic/pseuds/Lesthetic
Summary: How much does it take to push you over the edge? How many words? How many kicks, punches, hits? How many? Not too much, believe me. It took me just one truth. One. Single. Truth. And my world fell apart.  All the touches. All the stolen glances. All the late-night cuddles. The crying, the hurting, the smiling. Everything. Everything became one big nothing as soon as I got to know the truth. Afterall, that's what remains. The truth. Just the goddamn fucking truth...





	1. hurt.

It was all silent yet deadening. The words said to him earlier that day rang in his mind. He felt daggers in his heart creating permanent wounds as today's events flashed before his eyes. no, there were no tears- there couldn't be, for he, his brain, his eyes stayed frozen and numb as his heart continued to break. He sat silently on the bed hugging his knees. He wanted it to end. He wanted to let go. He wanted to be happy but happy, somehow was not written in his destiny. He could never get what he wanted; he was  
just an irrelevant piece of shit. As he closed his eyes, the events of the day replayed...

_-Flashback-_

_Louis's heart swelled at the sight of Harry singing on the T.V. He was so proud of his best friend. Best friend. There was the problem. Right form X Factor, Louis had been Harry's best friend though he always wanted to be more. Louis had waited so much to say it to him but he couldn't wait any longer. He couldn't be in any more fake relationships._

_With a hammering heart, Louis dialled Harry's number on his phone. "H-Harry?" he stammered._

_"Loubear!" came the answer._

_"I-I want to...Can we meet up, Harry?" Louis asked crossing his fingers._

_"Of course! And I am free today. Where do we meet?"_

_"Starbucks near my place?"_

_"Sounds cool. When?"_

_"Is right now okay?"_

_"It actually is. So till then."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay." Harry said and disconnected the phone call._

_Louis was there at Starbucks in no time. Harry got ready and headed there himself. Louis had seated himself in the most invisible corner possible. And then Harry came looking more angelic than an angel itself. Louis melted at the very sight of him. When Harry spotted the older boy, he flashed him a toothy smile and strutted towards him. Seeing Louis's nervous look, Harry's smile faltered. He sat down and asked,"Hey what's wrong, Lou?"_

_"Umm, I-I kinda want to tell you something," Louis whispered._

_"Hmm, and that is?" Harry asked growing more suspicious by the moment._

_"See, from the moment that I met you, I...I have been in love with you."_

_"Tell me this is a joke, Louis." Harry said tensing a bit. Louis immediately got scared. Tears gathered in his eyes. He replied,"It's...It's not a joke Harry. I'm serious. It's there since X Factor and I tried to suppress it but I-I simply couldn't. Ha-Haz...?"_

_"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T SUPPRESS IT? THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, DO YOU GET IT? I AM STRAIGHT AND YOU SIAD YOU WERE TOO! WHAT 'S YOUR PROB-"_

_"Haz...p-please stop." Louis whimpered as large tears fell down his cheek._

_"You can't do this! You just can't meet me one day and just say that you love me. Do you even..."_

_"P-please st-stop Harry..."_

_"....know how much this could affect our careers?! I was your best friend and that's what was right. You lost that too..." saying this, Harry got up and left the cafe, leaving Louis in an extremely broken state."_

_-End of Flashback-_

Louis opened his eyes and looked at the clock. 2:00 am. 7 hours since the incident happened. Inside, Louis felt empty, like he had lost every last thing that was his. He felt helpless and vulnerable and all he wanted right now was some support. He didn't know who to call. If the situation had been different, he thought, he would certainly have called Harry. Grief swallowed him. He took his phone and called a certain person hesitantly.

"Eleanor?"

"Speaking."

"It's me, Louis."

"Louis! O my gosh! How are you?!" Eleanor gushed. Louis's face fell. "I can't say that I've been fine lately..." he replied. "Wait. Why is your voice so raspy? Have you been crying?!" asked Eleanor worriedly.  _She knows me so well,_ thought Louis as his lips curled into the tiniest bit of a smile. "I'm coming there.", said Eleanor, ready to disconnect the call but Louis interrupted. "No. You are my ex and it's bloody two in the morning. What if the paparazzi catch you??"

"I don't care if they do. Though there is nothing between us now, you are still my friend and friends always look out for each other." With that, El disconnected the phone call. Louis sighed, made his way to the living room and sat on the sofa. Fifteen minutes later, he was greeted by none other than Eleanor. "Gosh! What have you done to yourself?!" she asked him as she entered the house. "I can't even recognise you! Bedraggled state, shaggy hair, red swollen eyes, sunken cheeks, pale skin; something's TERRIBLY wrong, Lou." she continued now getting deeply worried. Louis didn't answer and continued to look down. "Babe, it's okay. Just let it all out..." Eleanor said softly. tears rushed down Louis's cheeks and seeing them, Eleanor hugged him. After Louis comforted, she ensured him that she would stay with him that night. They both put on a movie and spent the night watching it silently. One question kept repeating in Eleanor's mind. What had happened?...

     

**Author's Note**

**Hey guys!! I am so excited for this story because this is something that I had prewritten a LONG ago. I have taken a lot of stuff in my hands at the moment so MAYBE I won't update that often. But that's a MAYBE. See ya in the next chapter bye!**

**All the love,**

**H. xxx**


	2. story.

Eleanor woke up all cramped upon the couch. She yawned as what had happened yesterday came back to her. They had just caught up the previous day, watched a movie and had ended up falling asleep on the couch. Eleanor looked around; Louis wasn't here. But that question was quickly solved when Eleanor heard gentle humming coming from the kitchen. She got up and made her way to Louis. He looked better than yesterday.

"You're up," Louis said looking up from his mobile.

"That I am," she replied. Then she got freshened up and came back to Louis who handed her a cup of the 'perfect cup of Yorkshire tea'. As the two friends stood leaning against the kitchen counter sipping their tea, they both realized the tension between, a matter that had to be addressed now. Then Eleanor spoke up. "What's going on, Lou?"she asked and Louis looked down.

"It is a long story. So it all starts when I auditioned for the X Factor when I was eighteen. At that time I was still questioning his sexuality and when I met Harry in the stalls of X Factor, I was the most enchanted by him,"

"Wait so all that Larry stuff...its real?" El asked, shocked because during the entirety of time that she had known Louis for, he had tried his level best to suppress Larry Stylinson.

"Yes...but partly. I'll explain. So back to the story. Till that point in time, I had been attracted to boys but never had I ever felt so flustered meeting any boy before. Harry looked so innocent then. Little did I know that he was going to be with me constantly for the next 5 years. So One Direction happened. It was all so thrilling. I went from a normal boy from Donny to becoming a face plastered on UK's television screens. It was during that time that I made the four best friends of my life. We, surprisingly made it big even though we didn't win.

We were working on our first album, getting to know how shit is done. There were only two songs on the album that we wrote on and I clearly remember, when we had the writing session for 'Everything About You' all the words that came from my head were all about Harry and I realised that I was falling for him.

And that realisation was scary because by that time, having interacted with the management I had realised that all this was really dangerous for the careers of both Harry and I. So I kept it all in. I kept trying to deny my feelings, to hide them. But I couldn't. Soon enough, the fans started suspecting something and Larry Stylinson was hence born. Modest! stepped in then. And so slowly, we happened to never step outside together, we happened to be seated as far from each other in interviews as possible. It was terrible. But I did feel like I had moved on when dated you. Yet I think we both know it wasn't true even then. What the hell, I think I even fell more for a Harry then. But you must know that you held and you always will hold a very special place in my heart.

And when we broke up four years later, I was back to square one. Zayn was gone, I didn't have you and I was still crazily in love with Harry Styles. By this time, I desperate enough that I agreed to every fucking thing that the management told me to do. So many parties, too much of alcohol, so much of smoking, so many girls, a fake girlfriend, heck, I even fathered a son after being pressured by the management. All just to keep Harry safe from the consequences of my love.

And then One Direction went on a hiatus. I thought that now that I was away from Harry, I could at last move on. But boy was I wrong. So yesterday, very impulsively, I decided to call Harry and tell him how I felt about him. I lost my best friend, El, he hates me because of all this..," Louis finished off, brushing a tear off his cheek.

"O my God...All this, all this was happening in front of me yet...yet I never noticed. I so fucking sorry, love," Eleanor whispered slowly moving to Louis and giving him a hug. Louis rubbed her back. "It's not your fault," he said, "I am too good an actor."

Suddenly, Louis's phone rang. He picked it up.

"Hello, I am from the Newlife Hospital, is this Mr Louis Tomlinson?"

"Yes, it is."

"Sir, your Mr Harry Styles got in an accident and is being treated at our hospital. You were the last person he called. I hope to see you present at the hospital as soon as poss-"

The phone slipped from Louis's grip and he fell to his knees as well. It was all his fucking fault....

       

**Author's Note**

**Hi it's me and I finally updated! Yay! Okay that was lame. So the hospital that I mentioned above is not real, I made it up lol. So vote, comment, follow if you like the story! Here's a funny fact:-**

**I do not think that Larry is real.**

**There, I said it. I really don't think that Larry is real. Its beautiful and so dream-like and I love it but _it's not real._ I think as a fan, it is my duty to believe what the boys say, so until they themselves say that Larry is real, it will just be a beautiful fanasty for me. So now, if I get any comments that give me hate, then I'LL FUCKING DELETE THEM. **

**Love ya,**

**H xxx**

 


	3. hospital.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Just a note, please please PLEASE go and read the previous chapter before you read this one AGAIN. Because I had accidentally posted just half of the last chapter. I have now edited it, so read it cause this chapter will be hella confusing if you haven't read the previous chapter.  
> All the love,  
> HalizaTomran xxx

"Louis!" Eleanor shouted and ran towards the boy who had fallen. "What happened? Whose call was it?!" she said anxiously. "H-Harry...accident...hospital." was all that Louis could say but Eleanor got the message. She grabbed her car keys and yanked into Louis up. She dragged him out of the house and into her car and to the hospital.

On reaching there, Louis bounded up the stairs and burst into Harry's room. The sight that lay ahead made his knees go weak and broke his heart even more than it already was. There lay Harry on the hospital bed. Tubes connected to him and Louis could see many scars on his body. Harry looked so fragile. Louis sat beside him and held Harry's hand in his which were shaking. He let his tears fall carelessly, sobbing shamelessly and blaming everything on himself. Little did he know that Harry was awake.

It broke the younger boy to hear Louis's cries though he was still angry at him. Harry opened his eyes and shook Louis's hand off. Louis ran outside and called the doctors. After some time the doctors came out and asked Louis who was going to take care of Harry and without thinking Louis said that it was him. They explained to him Harry's medicines and let Louis go in Harry's room. As soon as Louis entered the room, a frown came to Harry's face. "L-Look Harry, I-I'm going to b-be living with you for the n-next one month-"

"-Why?! I can take care of myself!!"

"Seriously? With a wounded arm and a fractured leg, how are you going to manage that?"

"Umm, then why should it be  _you_?"

"I don't know." Louis said feeling crestfallen.

After a few days, Harry was allowed to go and Louis took him home. Immediately, Harry's behaviour worsened. And saying 'worsened' would be an understatement. Harry didn't want Louis to touch him and uttered a  swear word every time that he was talking to Louis. Louis wheeled Harry into his apartment and Harry sat on the sofa till Louis came back with some tea, Harry saw a photo frame of him and Louis on the coffee table nearby and he pushed it off so it fell and broke. Louis came running outside hearing the sound of glass breaking and saw his favourite picture on the floor in pieces. He quickly cleaned all the mess up and went back to the kitchen.

He couldn't believe that Harry was acting in this manner. The whole day went like this in fights and arguments and by the end of the day, Louis was on the verge of tears. When it was time to sleep, Louis took Harry to his bedroom. Harry said that he would not sleep in the same bed as Louis. So Louis pushed his armchair into his room and snuggled into it. By the time that he was comfortable enough to sleep,  Harry already was in deep slumber with three-fourths of the bed empty.  Few silent tears were shed by Louis. He closed his eyes and drifted into troubled sleep for he was mentally and physically tired...


	4. done.

Next morning, Harry woke all sore. Of course. He'd been in an accident recently. A wound on his tummy was giving him quite some trouble during the night and that was the reason why he was wide awake on the bed at 5:00 am. The wound hurt like hell and sure, Harry needed help. He squeaked a tiny "Louis!" and Louis was up in a second. Louis rushed to Harry's side. "What's the matter, Haz?" he asked extremely worried. Harry pointed to his stomach. Louis lifted Harry's shirt a bit and saw a big angry gash staring back at him. He quickly brought the prescribed ointment and was about to put it on Harry's wound when Harry snatched it from him and did it himself. He couldn't see that he was breaking Louis. He couldn't see the constant tears that Louis was shedding because of him. And all that Louis had done was to fall in love. Louis brushed off his tears thinking that he had started to cry on every petty little thing and said to Harry, "If you want to sleep, I'll turn the lights off and go. but if you want to get up, tell me, so I'll get the water warm and then you can have a bath. 

Harry pondered for a while. He didn't want Louis to touch him but he did want to get up. "I would like to get up and have some tea and not a bath, certainly," he said. Louis nodded and helped Harry up, helped him brush (and brushed himself) and brought him outside. aHe went to the kitchen and was making tea for both of them when he realised, distance had grown so much between him and Harry. Even after all the nights and days that they spent together, all those cuddles, all those talks...everything was worthless now. All because of three little words. Louis wished with all his heart that he could turn back time and never say those damned words to him but the bad thing about it was: he couldn't. Nothing could change any hating now; he had lost his Harry forever.

At the same time, another string of thoughts was going on through Harry's mind who was sitting outside. It hurt him to hurt Louis. Yes, he knew that the way he was acting was extremely harsh but he did have reasons. Harry was not some heartless homophobic guy who would treat someone this way. He had reasons. Harry, from the moment saw Louis, had been in love with him. But as time went on, Harry realised that Louis wasn't the best person on Earth. He was a bad guy. First, he lead Harry on, then dated a girl for four years, went to silly parties and had one-night-stands, had another girlfriend, smoked a bit too much, drank a bit too much, made a girl pregnant, broke up with his girlfriend, went back to hanging out with his ex, and now had come back to Harry telling him that he loved him. To Harry, Louis was a liar. Harry was a long-term relationship guy and couldn't let Louis use him. He hated Louis because how much ever he wanted to be with him, Harry knew he would break his heart. And Louis did, over the years. Again and again and again. Now that Harry had finally learnt how to bury his feelings, he couldn't let Louis trample over his heart once more. He just couldn't.


	5. cuddle.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to all those who suffer from depression and think lowly of themselves. Please know that you are beautiful and it's gonna be just fine. You are so so loved. I know it is hard and I know how it all feels. You're not alone. There will always be a rainbow after the storm, always remember that.  
> All the love,  
> H xxx.

Louis took the two cups of tea outside. As he gave Harry his cup, Harry scanned Louis from head to toe, admiring his beautiful body (Louis was just in his boxers) and that innocent look on Louis's face which was so deceiving. He wanted to touch him so bad (not in a sexual way, you pervs!). Louis's skin was ultimately soft and touching it was heaven to Harry. Would it matter, for a day? Louis sat next to Harry on the sofa gently sipping on the warm liquid. Harry could not stop himself anymore. He gently put his arm around Louis's waist and pulled him closer. Louis squeaked in surprise at the sudden contact but didn't protest because he wanted this. They hadn't cuddled like this in days, not months and god, Harry had missed it. When Louis was almost on Harry's lap, Harry put his arms around the older man's body, relishing the feeling for once and for all, knowing that he wouldn't be able to do so ever again. Though this was a self-inflicted destiny, this was the truth. The ultimate truth. Louis, on the other hand, couldn't understand if he was living or breaking in Harry's gentle arms because it felt good yet hurt at the same time. He couldn't think right. All his thoughts were whirring through his mind in blurry lines and all he could comprehend was Harry, Harry and just  _Harry_.

He didn't know when he fell asleep cuddled up to Harry but he did and that was the best sleep that he had had in quite some time. Harry couldn't help but let him be. He should have pushed Louis away, he should have shouted, screamed, thrown him off, done  _something_ but here he was rocking Louis gently lulling him to sleep. When Harry finally did make up his mind to separate Louis from himself, he (reluctantly) snapped, "Get off me, you faggot!!"

Woken up by Harry's snarl, Louis took a moment to understand what had happened. Harry,  _Harry_ had called him a faggot. Tears immediately clouded his vision and he threw himself off Harry. He ran to his room, slamming the door behind him and sliding down the wall, breaking into broken sobs. Why couldn't things be just okay for once? He couldn't comprehend what was real and what was not. On one side when Harry was behaving so hatefully with him, on the other hand, he by himself had pulled Louis closer. What was the reality: the Harry who hated him or the one who cuddled with him? What was the truth? He wiped his tears and got up. Deciding to skip a shower, he pulled on his favourite lavender sweater. He frowned looking into his floor-length mirror. The sweater hadn't fit him so loose the last time he remembered. Shrugging off the observation, Louis made his way outside. Harry was lazily switching through channels on the television. He didn't care to even throw a glance at Louis. Louis needed to get out of there. It was as though the walls of his house were caving in on him. As he was about to step into the balcony, he heard Harry call him. He made his way back to Harry.

"I have an interview at the Late Late Show tonight at eight p.m," he muttered. Louis gave him a slight nod and went outside.

***************

Louis couldn't help but gawk at Harry. Harry looked so so so fucking good in that Gucci. And here he was wear just his jeans and his sweater. A tiny smile came to his face as an attendant wheeled Harry onto the stage and the interview started. Louis enjoyed the show and the playful conversation that James and Harry were having when James came to the last question of the night.

"Well Harry, there has been talk about your sexuality causing a lot of controversies. What do you have to say about that, mate?"

"First of all, my sexuality shouldn't be anyone's business but just so that everyone is satisfied and I am left alone, yes, I am into boys."

The audience erupted into screams and everything was a buzz but Louis's world had stopped. Why had Harry lied to him by telling him he was straight whereas the truth was that he was gay? Louis remained numb throughout the journey home and till locking himself in the bathroom. He stripped his clothes and looked at himself in the floor-length mirror. Why couldn't Harry like him back? He saw the answer right in front of him. He saw his too thick thighs, he saw the fat collected by his waist, he heard his obnoxious laugh, his annoying voice, his horrible crinkly eyes, his ugly button nose and it wasn't such a mystery to him why Harry hated him. He did not deserve anyone like Harry. Harry deserved someone much better than Louis. Louis was made to be hated. Even he hated himself. Pulling a razor out from the medicine cabinet, Louis made a cut on his wrist. That felt good. He deserved to be punished for being the way he was. In no time, his hands and thighs were covered with scars. He gave himself a crazy smile seeing the work he had done. The sting of the wounds was nothing compared to the sting in his heart. He quickly wore back his clothes and made his way out. He needed to give Harry his medicines, after all.


	6. alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This book, 'The Truth' is more than a fanfiction to me. It did start off as one, but it no longer is just that. Each and every problem or situation that I have and am going to write about in this book has been a personal emotional experience that I have gone through (but the plot of the story isn't the real things that actually happened.) Depression and anxiety aren't a joke yet no one seems to talk about them. So I decided to speak up. This is what my depression looks to me. Yes, I am so much better now, but my past is  something I can never forget. I hope nobody goes through this and I hope that if you are going through this, you get the strength to fight through it all. Thank you.
> 
> All the love,
> 
> H xxx

The sunlight fell lightly on Louis's eyes and he woke up. He took a moment to stare at the ceiling because he did  _not_ want to get out of bed. But he had to. At least for Harry's sake. He chuckled realizing how stupid he was, caring for a guy who didn't give a shit about him. But he cared, at the end of the day. It hurt but he would love Harry every day, every second with no regrets. It was stupid but then, when was love ever logical?

Louis dragged himself to the bathroom. He showered and got out and stood in the front of the mirror in his boxers. The fat around his waist glared back at him like a neon sign. That shit would have to go if he wanted to raise himself in Harry's worth. He glanced at his thighs that brushed against each other. That...was fucking gross. He frowned. He put on his over-sized hoodie (that went down just above his knees) and went outside. Harry was still asleep and that was a good thing. Harry hadn't got proper sleep in the past few days due to his injury. So him sleeping throughout the night without waking Louis up even once was remarkable. 

Louis made himself some tea and brought his laptop out. He opened his emails and was scrolling through them when one email caught his eye. It was from Zayn Malik, the very person that Louis hadn't talk to since 2016, when his mum had died. Each moment that he had spent with Zayn flashed before his eyes. He contemplated on whether he should delete the email and act as if he never saw it in the first place or he should read it and give Zayn a chance and read it. he chose the latter. The message was a short one; Zayn wanted to Skype-call Louis; it was as simple as that.

That's the point where Louis hesitated. Zayn and Louis shared some history and Louis wasn't so sure whether he was strong enough to face Zayn again. Actually, he wasn't sure at all. The last time that he had spoken to Zayn had given him a panic attack. Louis braced himself as unwanted memories slowly resurfaced...

**FLASHBACK**

**2015**

Music thumped through the club as sweaty bodies danced against each other. Louis leaned against the bar counter, grinning as he saw Zayn pulling up a face at him. He was such a goof. Louis felt really warm in his heart because he knew that he was the only one who got to see Zayn like this. Louis tore his eyes away from Zayn and his stare automatically went to Harry. Louis's grin immediately fell when he saw Harry. Harry was swaying to the music with some pretty brunette. His hands were crossing all their lines as they gripped the girl's waist lower than what one would consider 'just flirty'. He whispered something in the girl's ear that made her flush. In a moment, Harry had pulled the brunette closer (if that was possible), had roughly placed his lips on her neck and the girl's hand had discretely gone to his crotch. Louis couldn't watch anymore. He felt sick.

Suddenly, a hand turned him around. It was Zayn. He looked awfully drunk and angry (more like frustrated). "What is the purpose of your face?" Louis asked, trying to sound/look cheerful. 

"You," Zayn replied drunkenly and moved closer to Louis. Louis couldn't understand. "Why, what have I done?" he asked in a small voice. 

"You keep hurting yourself because of that arse, who you know doesn't love you back!" Zayn spat. Louis was taken aback. Everyone in the band (except Harry) knew how much Louis loved Harry and also knew how sensitive a subject it was for Louis. They had, especially Zayn, never brought this topic up and him bursting out like that was strange for Louis. "That's not how it works, Zi," Louis shot back, "You can't really decide who you will fall in love with!"

"But you  _can_  decide how badly you want to invest yourself emotionally, you can decide if you want to move on and frankly you, Louis, seem to have already decided that Harry is your endgame. Just because you love someone, it doesn't always mean that they are meant for you! There are other fucking fish in the pond!"

"Oh, is that so?! Then name one person who wants to love me and not my money! You can't because there isn't anyone! Harry is ashamed to say that he loves me as a friend and there's no future to him and I, I know! I fucking know all this but I cannot stop loving him, why can't you understand?" Louis said, breaking into silent sobs. Zayn moved closer to him. His gaze had softened as he put a hand on Louis's cheek. 

"I will, Lou, I'll love you. I'll love you till the end of the world. You're perfect, Louis Tomlinson. Your blue, blue eyes, your lips, your feathery hair, your curvy figure, your high-pitched voice, the dimples on your back, your sassy attitude, your warmth...everything about you is just so beautiful. Don't ever think differently. Harry may not appreciate all this, but I can, Lou. I love you so much, darling...," Zayn muttered with his eyes glistening. Louis couldn't think straight. What was happening?

"I...Harry...," he managed to say and Zayn flew into a rage of fury. 

"Fuck Harry Styles! He doesn't love you and he doesn't let me love you too! He's ruined me! I hate him!" Zayn said, running his hand through his hair.In a moment, he left Louis alone, moving to where Harry was. Louis panicked. This was bad. He ran after Zayn only to see that Zayn and Harry were almost on the ground throwing punched at each other. Louis stood frozen as the love of his life and his best friend tried to strangle each other. He could only vaguely hear horrible things coming from the brawl. He fell to his knees. Nobody around was paying much attention because such fights were common in shady parties as this one. 

Louis needed it to stop. His heart was thumping incredibly fast and everything was a blur. He was hurting and his body shook like a leaf. Liam walked in after hearing what was happening. He saw Louis on the floor with tears in his eyes and Zayn and Harry fighting. He pulled Harry and Zayn apart. "You fucking assholes, can't you see what you're doing to Louis?!" Liam sneered and immediately Harry and Zayn regretted everything. Liam helped Louis up and took him outside the club to take him home. Zayn stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked out with a bleeding nose. Niall came and looked at Harry, disappointed. He slightly touched Harry's now swollen ckeek and god, he felt like slapping him. He pulled him out of the club too. They all went in different directions. One Direction officially felt broken...

Louis did not see Zayn after that for many days, He only got to know from Niall that Zayn had decided to leave the band, all in the middle of the tour. Louis was in so much pain. With a tearful countenance, he burst into Zayn's room and grabbed him by his collar. 

"Zayn...what about 'Bus 1'?" he asked with utmost desperation and Zayn did not reply for a moment.

"I was in this band only for you. Now I have lost that too. There  _is_  no 'Bus 1' left, Tomlinson," he said leaving his room with Louis in it sobbing his heart out. For the first time, Louis felt truly, completely alone...

**END OF FLASHBACK**

       

 


	7. human.

Louis tugged at his hair as a gasp left this parted lips. He couldn't, he couldn't , he  _couldn't_ face Zayn. Not now, atleast. It had taken him so much pain to forget Zayn and...he couldn't go through it again.

It felt like everything was spiralling around him. It was so hard for him to breathe, his heart was aching with every beat. Louis felt like he wwas in an endless journey of pain , and he wanted it to end. He didn't even care about being happy , now; he just wanted to be okay, for once.

It was times like these when Louis missed his mum the most. She had been the one to keep him sane no matter how bad life fucked up, but now that she was gone, Louis could definitely say that he was going crazy.

Louis had always needed people in his life. He needed hearts to lean on to, he had needed shoulders to cry upon and people to lift him up when he stumbled. And all his people had been taken away from him. Well, he knew that there still were still Liam, Niall, Lou, his siblings, Dan...but either they had distanced themselves from him or Louis had pushed them away. Louis was truly alone. He knew that he could any of them like immediately, but they all were doing fine without him; why disrupt their perfect lives?

Louis was angry. He was angry at Zayn for making a comeback in his life  _now_ , in all the time that he could have, he was angry at Niall and Liam for being in a perfect situation. But more than anything, he was angry at himself for being the way he was because deep down, he knew that his struggle with Harry, Zayn and Surviving The World was brought by him upon himself; it was because of him that Zayn and Harry fought, it was because of him that Zayn left the band, it was because of him that his son wouldn't get a life he deserved...it was all his fucking fault.

Silent tears were rolling down Louis's cheeks. He was so, so angry. He wanted to kick something, punch something, he wanted to destroy something...he wanted to punish himself. Out of habit, Louis pressed at the cuts on his wrists, trying to feel the sting because he fucking deserved it. He needed to harm himself, he needed to punish himself but he knew he had to control, because he had promised. He had promised his mum, he had promised Harry, a long time back. So Louis sat there on the couch rocking dangerously with his fingers pressed to his wrists letting out muffled cries.

When the urge to hurt himself overpowered him, he ran to his bathroom. He brought out his razor and slid to the floor. As he relentlessly continued to hurt himself, he balled up the front of his hoodie and stuffed it in his mouth, trying to muffle his cries. He looked at his hands once he was done. They were fully covered with bleeding wounds. So were his thighs. Though it did Louis to an extent, he realised that he had broken the promise that his mother had taken from him before she died, and he broke down again.

He didn't know for how long he sat there in his bathroom, until he heard Harry calling out for him. He wiped his tears and cleaned his wounds. He then got dressed and walked out, hoping that Harry assumed that Louis's swollen eyes were only due to excessive sleep.


	8. understand.

Louis made his way into the room that Harry was in. Harry was on the bed with eyes wide open. "Help me out, Lou..is," Harry blurted and Louis made his way to him. With utmost tenderness, Louis helped Harry up and got him freshened. Louis was fully, utterly emotionless and Harry's behavior towards him barely reached his numb brain. With horribly mechanical movements, he cooked breakfast and served it to Harry.

Then he went to his balcony and brought out his pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out, light it and took a drag, immediately feeling his nerves turn numb as the nicotine filled him up. Harry watched Louis from inside. If the circumstances had been different, Harry would have walked to Louis, snatched his cigarette, thrown it away and then would have given him a long lecture about his unhealthy lifestyle. But now he couldn't. He wouldn't. It had been the first night that Harry had slept through the night yet Louis Tomlinson had made his way in his dreams. Harry clearly remembered the dream.

It was the most beautiful, vivid dream that he had ever had, yet it had scared the daylights out of him. 

It had started with Louis straddling him with a beautiful sneaky smile on his face. Harry had caressed Louis's cheek who had in turn leaned in and had planted a kiss on Harry's lips. "I love you, Haz. Forever and ever and ever," Louis had said shyly and it had warmed Harry's heart.

"And I love you too," Harry had said, "till this heart is beating and even after. "

They had then cuddled and watched Netflix and made out some more when everything had changed.

Harry had now found himself to be the sixteen year old Harry who was in the urinals of X Factor 2010 with Louis in front of him. He had extended his hand for Harry to shake. Seeing his innocence, his beauty, Harry had been so tempted to shake his hand but then, he had seen it- Louis had been hiding a dagger behind his back. Harry had known that it was not safe to get into an intimate relationship with Louis but he had gone ahead and hugged him. And then wham! The dagger in Louis's hand had plunged into Harry's back over an over and over but the smile on Louis's face had remained sweet. That was when Harry had woken up. The dream had been heartbreaking yet beautiful.

Harry didn't know what to do. All the song that he had written thinking about Louis, all  The the nights that he had spent cuddling with him, all the play-fights and the jokes...it had become a big fat nothing now.

What was real? What was not? The line between truth and illusion had smudged and blurred for him. He couldn't understand or comprehend the situation that he was in. He did not know which Louis was real- the one who had hurt him so heartlessly or the one who said that he loved him. He didn't know whether he was doing the right thing by acting the way he was/

Harry tried to solve his problem by the only way he knew how, that was overthinking and pondering over things that he couldn't change. 

The relationship that he had with Louis ad never been perfect. It had been quite the opposite, actually. There had been fights, oh, so many of them, but they  _had_  always ended up back on their bed sobbing and hugging because they simply could not stand being angry at each other. Many of their fights had been about Louis's toxic lifestyle and Harry's inability to control hos anger and his overreaction on every single tiny thing. There used to be screams and shouts and tears but at the end of the day, they had been okay. But they weren't, now. Harry felt terrified of the thought that what they had, may never return and he might, somewhere, be at fault.

Earlier, Harry used to, somewhat, understand what could be going on in Louis's head. But now, Louis himself become a humongous puzzle for him. Hell, his own brain and heart were puzzling him now. He realized that the only way to go anywhere ahead from here was by speaking to Louis. And so he got up (with much difficulty) and made his way to the balcony. Very hesitantly, he snatched the cigarette from Louis's hand. Louis turned around.

"That's bad for you," Harry murmured and Louis's eyes teared up. 

"Since when have you started deciding what's good for me, huh?"  Louis whispered and he pushed past Harry back into the house. Harry stood there with the cigarette in his hand wondering how in the world they had ended up like this... 


	9. stone cold.

Days were going on as they were- in alternating whirs of numbness and pain. Louis and Harry were almost getting used to it all except for the fact that they just couldn't.  Almost a month had passed. Life went on.

It was a day before Christmas Eve when Briana Jungwirth called Louis. "Happy Birthday in advance! I've got a present for you!" she squealed and Louis smiled a bit.

"And that is?"

"I'll tell you when we meet. Which, by the way, we are today at about 2 in the afternoon at Nandos,"

"My birthday is tomorrow. Why don't you give the gift to me tomorrow?"

"I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow and I absolutely must hand you the gift myself,"

"Fine," Louis mumbled chuckling slightly, "I'll be there."

Louis spent his time till then in the recording studio, working on his album while Harry was with his 'friend' Camille Rowe. When it was about one thirty, Louis made his way out and drove to the Nandos that they had decided to meet at. On reaching, he got out and smiled seeing Briana standing across the road. She excitedly waved at him and was crossing the road when it happened. A speeding car crashed into her. Everything around Louis seemed to stop. He couldn't hear a thing as he made his way to Briana.

He fell to his knees beside her. This couldn't be happening, no. A pool of blood was forming around Brianas Louis vaguely sensed a crowd gather around them. She wasn't moving.

"W-wake up, love, wake-up..," he kept mumbling as thousands of tears rolled down his cheeks. People were taking photos of him and Briana. Someone called an ambulance while someone else tried to coax Louis to let go of Briana.

"No! She's my...she's my..," is all he could say to the person who looked at him with sympathy.  The doctors arrived. They checked Briana's pulse.

Dead.

Louis couldn't comprehend anything as he sat in his clothes stained with Briana's blood. No tear left his eyes anymore. Louis somehow managed to call Briana's parents and tell them what had happened. Louis drove behind the ambulance to the hospital. His Briana, his friend...was gone. Just like that, in a second.

Briana's parents came to the hospital almost immediately.  Briana's mother was in hysterics while Briana's father was crying silently. Louis hugged Briana's mother's trying to console her a bit, but how was that possible? She had just lost her baby forever. The doctors came just then and handed them Briana's belongings. They contained a gift-wrapped box.

"To my crazy Louis, Happy Birthday,  love! Your best friend, Bri," was what was written on it in Briana's neat handwriting. Very carefully, Louis unwrapped the gift and folded the wrapping paper, keeping it in his pocket.

Louis immediately burst into sobs seeing what the gift. It was a framed picture of Briana, Freddie and him of when Freddie was born. They both looked so tired but they were so happy then. And Briana was gone now. Gone.

Louis felt so fucking overwhelmed by the fact that it wasn't just him who had lost his best friend, it was also his baby boy who had lost his mum. He checked his phone. He had tonnes of messages of condolences from friends, family and fans. Louis teared up yet again. If he hadn't been wrecked earlier, he was wrecked now. Briana's mother came up to Louis.

"Let's get you freshened up, yeah? Come home with us today, you....we shouldn't be alone tonight..," she whispered lovingly to him and he hugged her. She was so strong. After all formalities that gad to be completed with the police and the post mortem details were, well, completed,  Briana's parents took Louis home. A whirlwind of emotions was going on through Louis's head as he realised that this house was bo longer 'home's without Briana.

As soon as he entered the house, he went straight to the room where Freddie was fast asleep in his crib. Louis gently stroked his forehead. "Your mother l-loved you so much but,  so-so much..," Louis whispered as tears rolled down his cheeks for the thousandth time that day.

"You should take him home," Mrs Jungwirth said and Louis turned behind.

"What, no...what about you guys?"

"Dont worry about us. This is all for Freddie. He is used to you. He wont take suddenly moving in with us well. You're his father. He needs you now. Besides, that's probably...that's probably what Briana would have wanted for you,"

And that shut Louis up. The three grown-ups had tea and discussed about the funeral. There were more tears and phone-calls and 'I'm sorry's and then it was time for Louis to leave. Freddie's stuff was packed into two large bags and put into Louis's car. Then, Louis gently picked Freddie up and rocked him a bit.

"'m scared..," he whimpered to Briana's parents, "I...I can't do this on my own."

"Who said you're alone, love? You have your friends, family, us...you're gonna do just fine," Briana's father said and patted Louis's back. 

As Louis placed Freddie in his car seat, he wondered worriedly about how he was supposed to explain to Freddie why suddenly his mum was no longer around.

Freddie was awake (like wide awake) by the time they reached home and was innocently playing by himself as Louis carried him plus the two bags into his house. Louis was quite puzzled to hear faint sound of talking when he came inside because hey, who the hell could be home except for Harry? He put down the bags on his couch, readjusted Freddie on his hip and made his way to the kitchen (from where the voiced were coming). When he entered the kitchen, he gasped on seeing who was standing there talking with Harry.

"Liam?..."


End file.
